If I could go back in time, for one night, I would go back to a random time on Vale street, Any one...it wouldn't matter....all the little memories and silly times...
Manor road was fun and all...but I don't know many of us that would choose it over Vale street.....
Spin the Bottle Punk Rock Andy showing his ass to the light up Jesus picture "Block Fun" with Kendall and Erika Big Mike stripping to the Keytar music partying with Bobby Gibbs and his gangsta friends from across the street hooking up in Shanon's closet Krispy Kremes Drunken sing alongs Wendys rides AIDS park the ghettoooo erika popping our zits suicide girls sets showing our boobs to each other hahaha Key-Key Big Mike puking in Key-Keys litter box the gay calandar mozzarella sticks, fat kid food Brilliant Zero and Damaged Goods coming over Kirsten sleep-talking "Peppermint Patties wow their so cool! eat em up yea! they taste like peppermint cool!" Staying up all night watching Big Mike play Hitman The creepy neighbor that watched us in the shower "HEY DOROTHY YOU'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE!" the creepy landlord erikas love for corn chowder PUPPY SOUP move night/dane cook night passing out and waking up to people sleeping all around me talking with moquin in the hallway about grandma the lighter Tall Steve's head as an ashtray Moquin and Tall Steve breaking in with a liscense plate they found. The police breaking into the house and Moquin telling them "HOLD ON GUY!" everyone hooking up with everyone getting teabagged ugh everyone drinking the soda and erika getting pissed Me and Kirstens ghetto video the 70's couches and big mikes smelly loveseat THE BISH Ramen or easy mac...every night for dinner. "The List" Sleep punch me in the face me thinking no one was home and opening the door and yelling "WHO EVEN SNOWS?!?!" and everyone laughing at me. one night stands bagel bites party aiden throwing his bottle at me every morning yelling "RACKLE" "EKKA" or "KIRSEN!" aiden dancing to "stop, drop, shut em down open up shop!"
I could go on forever obviously. Lets just say I miss it sometimes. I remember thinking one night, "I am living my memories." Vale street collectively was my fondest memory of my past. I will never forget it...and it makes it hard sometimes to know that I never see any of you anymore.
I fall more and more in love with him every day. I just feel completely and utterly content. Everything that is going wrong right now just doesn't matter. I've honestly never been happier in my entire life.
1 Year, 3 Months and counting.
I love You Nicholas (J) haha, even if you hugged from behind tonight! ^__^
Nick got a car! :) It's little and adorable and he drove me around tonight for the first time since we started dating. He bought me coffee and juice and a bagel and hairspray. haha what a combo of stuff. It's really strange being a passenger again but it allows me to be the dumb puppy dog I am and open the window and look up at the sky. heh.
I have to get up for work in 5 hours. bleh. STEVEN I might have to stay at work late so email me on the the space and I'll let you know whats up!
I emptied my bank account today to pay for my car. Every penny...and I still owe money. I get a check today and half will go to my car and the other half will go to car insurance for this month.
No one has called me. No one has wanted to hang out...with the exception of Steven and my friend Christina from high school. I'm OK with it. I don't really miss many people. There are a handful that I miss,(Korey, Neil and a few others) and there are many events and time frames that I'm longing for the comfort of. I see Keith and Chris most of the time because they're some of the few I enjoy being around.
All in all, i've really fallen rather comfortably in solitude. It's nice not having my phone ringing, and wasting minutes on people that don't care about me. It's nice to be able to go places and not have people recognize me, like I'm some sort of celebrity. I know people talk about me behind my back, and It has come to this. I don't care. Not one bit. Not like I used to. I would let it stir in me before...and now I can't imagine how I ever cared. Not many people mean anything to me. Their words are ashes disintegrating and blowing away. Meaningless.
I will be starting my new journal sometime next week...when I put the post up let me know if you want to continue reading or not...because if you don't i'm not putting you on the friends list...I don't need to waste my time.
It's going to be a secretive journal. Friends only. Just because. There will be more poems, more short stories. More thoughts and opinions. More music recommendations. More debates on movies, music, books and the arts. No more bullshit.
This week, I've calculated I have 50 dollars to last me until next weeks paycheck. So after DQ with Steven tomorrow, I can't spend another dime on anything other than gas and cigarettes.
I'm going to pull my ass out of this hole I'm in. I'm tired of letting life kick me when I'm down. Over the last year I've only had a few friends REALLY be there for me. My door is open and my phone is on for you. Everyone else...goodbye. Most of you are good people with good intentions...but don't care enough about me to be a friend. Thats OK.
I'm going to go finish my book and smoke a cigarette. I'm also going to look up cigarette holders on ebay...because I've wanted one for years, and no one has bought me one yet.
Today is GORGEOUS. It's a perfect fall day... the leaves are blowing around the ground, the sun is shining, the breeze is sifting gently through my window. It's one of those days where you can wear a jacket, but you don't have to...and you'll be comfortable either way.
I just burned some Rainer Maria. I'm about to get in the shower. Nick and I are going out to purchase a car for him. I need a cd case and some blank cds...I think I need other things that are slipping my mind.
I'm glad I'm spending time with Nick on a beautiful day. :)
I hope all of you go outside and enjoy the day to the best of your ability...even if it's just to take a break at work.
But now I'm off to the shower...I'll probably be late and Nick will not be surprised because I'm always late. haha
So, I finally got around to purchasing "Hot Water Music" by Bukowski. I'm laughing and making weird faces while I'm reading it. So much talk of farting, and making light of beating people up and murdering people. He even manages to make chauvinism lighthearted and amusing. Has anyone else read it? What do you think?
I've read so many books lately. I'm averaging a book every two days. I don't mean to do this. I want to read slowly and take everything in. But I find myself reading at every possible opportunity I can. Waiting in line, stop lights, breaks at work, sitting on the toilet, eating, during commercials when I'm watching tv...it's just strange.
I've always liked to read. But over the last year I've been obsessed with always having a book with me. If I don't have something in my bag to read at any given time, I feel awkward.
What's the best advice you can give young writers? Drink, fuck, smoke plenty of cigarettes. lol.
I want to leave my job. I'm going to work on my resume and shoot high. Lets see what happens.
I just painted Nick a picture instead of going to the movies. I feel more accomplished. :)
I was at the Java Hut about a week ago, and I was talking to Keith and Chris, because they are really the only people I talk to down there anymore. But I set Chris and my sister up, and they are on a date at this very moment! eeeek! :)
I am currently sitting for the first time since 9 oclock this morning.
I have kids all around my cafe...about 15 of them. They are all making loud animal sounds, and screaming and knocking things over, spilling macaroni, fighting with each other, crying because they didn't get their way, and demanding things from me instead of asking for them. The parents sit there are talk with each other like there children are doing nothing wrong.
Just before I started this update a little girl about the age of 5 with Blonde curly hair and a little blue dress came up to the counter and said word for word: "Excuse me, may I please have a cup?" and smiled. Why can't ALL parents raise their children this way? WHY.
Ever since I started this job, my hatred for children grows stronger and stronger. But then I realized today, I don't hate children. I hate poorly raised children. I hate bad parenting. I literally have strong urges to either shout at these parents or just punch them. They are extremely inconsiderate not only to ME, but to all the other customers in the bookstore and the cafe.
Hey all you middle aged skanks, STOP MAKING BABIES. I know you want the "American Dream" and i know you want your husband to work his ass of so you can cart your pathetic family around in a mini van and meet up with your friends and let your kids run around like animals...but seriously...at least read a damn book on proper parenting first. At least care somewhat about what your children do while you're in a public area.
For every good parent that comes into this store, there are 10 horrible pathetic excuses for parents to follow.
If my job happened to have a rule that stated "No Kids allowed in the cafe" I swear my life would be so much better. UGH
It's 2:30 am. I have get up for work at 8, and I'm so stressed out that I can't sleep. I got another bill in the mail today. On top of the $1,200 dollar bill for the emergency room, I got another bill for $1,300...just for the ambulance ride, that I refused numerous times. I'm not paying either of them. Take me to court if you have to. I will not pay for it.
My blinkers on my car are pretty much completely shot. My brake light is flickering as of tonight. If one more thing goes wrong with my car I think I might have a nervous breakdown. I just can't take it anymore. More things go wrong with my car than any other normal car. I just wish I had enough money so I could get a different car...Ford Contours are one of the biggest problems cars...and of course, I own one.
Things with Nick and I are still perfection. In a week we'll hit 1 Year, 3 Months and counting. I honestly can't believe that we are still going as strong as ever. I won't gush anymore, because I do it constantly, haha. But I am just so lucky to have him. He makes me feel more loved than I have ever felt, and I really need that. I need to feel wanted and cared for. Even when things are going so crappy for me, I can still wake up with a smile because of him.
I haven't bought ANYTHING at Hot Topic in a very, very long time...but I went in on the off chance they may have a DECENT hoodie. Nope. just Underoath and Panic! and all those bands...what did I expect?
merp. Tomorrow I FINALLY have a day to myself. PLEASE no one show up at my house and force me to go out to eat like Rod did last time...haha. I really need to work on my writing and work on my painting. THANKS :) :)
I miss everyone...sorry i've been really antisocial for the last billion months...I needed to figure out what I wanted out of life and who I wanted around me. Oh and I figured out who I wanted in my future wedding party...hahahahha, yea I'm that pathetic that i'm already planning that...whatever I think I started planning my wedding at the age of 5. hahah I think most girls do.
Also, I want to go to the Cape. Where, other than Hyannis, is a good town to stay in with lots of shopping? kthx!
If I have time today, I'm going to make a rather large update. I'm almost done with my new journal...which is just another thing I never have time to set up.
I get to leave work in a couple of hours, so unless the store is dead, I probably won't update until tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out in the most organized way I possibly can. All of these thoughts are jumbled and bouncing around in my brain, and sometimes I feel if I type it out, that they are somehow more organized.
Also, post your last.fm charts so I don't have to go to your profile to look by hand. Thx. :)
I need a vacation. I've been at work for a year and haven't taken one yet. I would just love a week away from that cafe...somewhere away from cell phones and the internet and the bullshit that people put each other through.
I would love to take Nick, go far away, get a hotel room with a beach view, and lock the door behind us. Order room service, watch movies, read, listen to music, watch the sun rise and set. Stop worrying about everyone else for a change.
A little boy choked on a gumball at work today and I saved him. His mother was no where to be found while he was choking...they were asian, and hardly spoke English. Then a little girl spilled a hot drink all down her chest and her skin was peeling off because her mother was too busy ordering me around, and didn't bother to watch her 3 year old daughter with a hot, open drink. I tried to give her first aid, but the mother would have none of it.
I am so happy I know CPR and First Aid, seeing how today I used both. A whole year of being at work, and this is the first day I had to do anything like this.
I just want to erase events and people from my life sometimes.
I'm always so tired. I need motivation. I need sleep.
Nick and I took the 2 oclock T to Boston. Dave was on it as well. We chatted about books and music. :) When we got to Boston, we took the red line to Harvard Square. It was a completely gorgeous day. Browsed the Urban Outfitters Bargain Basement. I saw lots of things I wanted, but didn't really want to spend the little money I had. Browsed Tower Records, Newbury Comics, and the adjacent clothing store. Kelli Alvarez was working, and we chatted briefly. I stopped at the Body Shop and bought White Musk oil because I love it more than anything ever.
I wasn't really sure how to get to the Science Museum without a car...and seeing as how we didn't come with a game plan, we scraped the idea and went to one of my favorite places in the Boston area, Davis Square. Shanon introduced me to this place because she used to live there. It's really one of the nicest parts of the Boston area. We walked to Annas and Nick tried REAL Mexican food for the first time and it was DELISH! There was a bookstore across the way that I don't remember being there. It was very big and narrow and had lots of books that I have never seen before, all used. I could have spent hours in there. I found this great Fusion Poetry book that came with a cd. I also found this really old book and the story was called I the Keyhole or something weird like that. I really loved the narrators voice, and I'm not sure what the story is about. I also bought a book called Poison Ivy which is supposed to be a modern day cross between The Crucible and Lord of the Flies. I'm reading that currently and I think it's really good. We walked towards The Someday Cafe, but to my dismay, they were no longer there. That really made me sad, so we just ended up going to starbucks and getting frappucinos and cookies. We people watched. We sat on "the slab" (haha shanon) in the common and listened to some guy play his guitar and sing.
By then it was 7 and we were headed back to the train station to catch the 8:20 T.
I think next time we go we will visit Quincy Market because I used to go there a lot when I was little. I definitely want to go to the Science Museum next time we go as well. Maybe we'll even go to Porter Square and try that Sushi place that Keith was telling us about.
Overall, it was a really fun, relaxing day with the boy I love. Throughout the day, we were both gushing about how much Boston and it's suburbs are so much better than scum of the eath Worcester. I always seem to forget how much I love it there. Our goal is to move there. Thats where we want to be.
We also stopped by Ralphs for Gauchers Birthday. AK, Gaucher, Erika, Malloy, Rod, Joyce and Melvin were there as well. We didn't stay long because we are not big fans of Ralphs, but we DID get pineapple/cranberry juice which was so good. :)
My Dad told me not to pay my medical bill for the emergency room. So hasn't every person I have spoken to in the medical field. They said don't bother. So thats one less thing I have to worry about.
You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. Stressful and frustrating situations can sometimes be upsetting to you, but you are often able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.
Yesterday Rod practically dragged me out of my house and took me to lunch at the Living Earth, and the arcade, and the mall. So I didn't get any painting done. That's ok. It was nice hanging with my old best friend again. :)
Today Nick and I are going to Boston and to the science museum to see the Human Body Exibit. I'm verrrryy excited, and I think Nick is freaked out. haha. It's really going to be fascinating!
I should go get ready. We have to get the train at 2. Text me if you'll be in Boston too, we'll meet up at some point.
I haven't slept a lot lately. I'm never tired at night, but exhausted in the morning. I really think I am going to love tomorrow. I am going to sleep in. I am going to pamper the shit out of myself. I deserve it. Bubble Bath, manicure, pedicure, scrub, lotion, hair cut and dye if I have time.
Then I'm going to put on comfy clothes, and paint. I'm finally going to get to try out my new Easel. If I have time at any point in the day, which I don't know if I will...I want to go to JoAnn Fabrics so I can get some cute fabric for secret crafting reasons. :)
I had a long chat with Nick tonight about high school, and how different both our schools were. I read him a bunch of my old poems, because he has never heard much of anything I have written. He said he really liked them. It made me so happy.
I want to hang out with Steven this week or soon because if I don't I will be extremely sad beyond all reason. He is the best kid in the world.
I love the Mountain Goats. I say this all the time. It's ok. :)
I sometimes feel distant and withdrawn from everyone. I'm not sure If I love it or hate it anymore. I have books waiting to be read. I have notebooks waiting to be filled. I have canvas and wooden boxes and sketch books waiting to be painted and drawn on. I have music begging to be listened to on repeat.
meh. going through a phase. I wonder who will still be around when I come out of it.
I've been thinking about old friends lately. I realized most of my friends that I have made since high school no longer need me. I don't hear from them anymore, and they have all moved on with their lives. But I've also been thinking a lot about high school. I bumped into an old friend at the Java hut, Christina Stanco. We were hugging and laughing and catching up and talking about old times. We've been exchanging texts and we're going to hang out this saturday. It's just amazing to see how close we still are after not seeing each other for years.
I realized that my high school friends were some of the best I ever had. They were there for me when times got tough, and they were the ones to put a smile on my face. I am so different from them, yet they love me and accept me for who I am. I don't have to prove anything to them. I am completely myself with them. I can act like the biggest retard in the world and they think I'm hilarious.
I miss all of our memories. It's sad to know that they are all still so close and see each other all the time even though they are all in college, and I was so wrapped up in my own life that I missed all of those times they had together after we graduated. But They still call me. They still invite me places, and for so long I had pushed them away because I had a new group of friends that I thought were going to be there forever...I was wrong.
I'm glad I never lost touch with my girls from school. We were The Cult. I miss it, and I want to be a part of their lives again. I was wrong, and I was stupid. I see now that they are the only girls I have ever known that have been true best friends to me in the long run. (Korey you're included in this! hehe) Everyone that I knew in high school for the most part, has stayed in touch with me over the years and I love them more than words could ever say.
If this picture were taken 3 years ago, I would have been in it:
These girls are incredible. They are everything to me, and I regret letting them go for so long. I know they still love and care about me, and I can't believe it. I am going to make more of an effort to see them more than the couple times a year that I do now, and make plans with them. I want to spend my time with them again. I know I've changed, and I'm sure they have too...but all these years, they still continue to be the one group of people in my life that never dissapear. They never leave me. They have no idea how much I appreciate that.
I love you guys so much. All of you. I hope that we can work on our friendships again, and be as close as we ever were. I want you girls to be at my wedding, and I want to be at yours. I want us to have that imaginary street in Hampton like we talked about. Where we all lived next door to each other and our kids played together...haha.
I promise you'll be hearing more from me. I'm sorry I was so stupid for so long.